Today as I sat knitting, with the Gilmore Girls as company, I was reminded of a topic I’d meant to write about a few months ago, by this scene:
Rory: When I said before that I was too busy to think about it, I realize now that I’m not too busy to think about it.
Lorelai: Think about it?
Rory: About IT.
Lorelai: Oh, It.
Rory: Yeah, it.
Lorelai: Uuuh It.
Rory: Nothing’s happened yet, but it might, maybe.
Lorelai: Maybe?
Rory: Maybe.
It’s an event that is culturally pervasive, a right of passage moment that supposedly occurs in every household roughly around the time a teenager becomes (or has the option of becoming) sexually active: The Talk.
Sometimes referred to as the Sex Talk, although I would like to clarify. I’m not talking about the conversation that happens anywhere between the ages of 5 and 15 years, when a child asks where babies come from, or a parent explains puberty. I’m not talking about defining sex. What I’m referring to is the I-just-had-or-may-be-about-to-have-sex talk.
It is an interesting and extremely pervasive teen TV phenomenon. As with many of these omnipresent tropes, these conversations take many forms depending on the series, the characters, and the situation. At times parents simply lecture teens not to have sex (tell them their virginity is a gift, or that they are simply too young). Often parents are shown tentatively, confidently, timidly, or conspiratorially insisting on the use of condoms or other birth control. Sometimes there are tears, usually along with an “I just wish you’d waited,” while at other times stunned silence prevails. But ultimately these Talks share at least 3 important characteristics:
- They provide parent/guardian characters the chance to offer advice
- They create a line of communication between parents and teens
- They are incredibly awkward.
See, the assumption (and I may actually go so far as to say fact in this circumstance) is that the idea of talking about sex with your parent/child is terrifying, painful, and horribly embarrassing. This clearly underlies every representation of the Talk that I have ever come across. But along with that awkwardness is packaged an idea that strikes me as important: that teens should feel –if not comfortable, then– capable of talking to a parent about their decision to begin having sex.
When it first occurred to me that this was a significant trend on teen dramas, my initial reaction was to roll my eyes. I for one have never had this conversation with my parents, and very few (I can think of 1 possible exception) of my friends in high school ever reported the subject being broached by a parent either. So, I thought, if this isn’t actually a phenomenon that takes place in every household, why are they so ubiquitous throughout the genre? At the worst they seem to simply reinforce gender norms, telling girls to wait, and boys to wear a condom, at best aren’t they simply a dramatic bond-or-break moment bringing tensions between parents and teens out into the open by dialogue?
Then it occurred to me, maybe that’s exactly the point. Maybe overall their presence on the TV screen is a good thing. By making it universally expected that characters will have to talk about sex at some point, these shows are encouraging open and honest communication about sex.
By making these conversations happen to everyone throughout the teen drama universe, the genre demonstrates how one might go about talking to one’s parent/teen about sex. These shows repeatedly assure us that while it might be hard, it is doable, and important. Parents need to make sure their children are safe. Teens need to know that their parents are there to help them no matter what. Even though I’ve never talked about sex with my mother, television has assured me that if I have any need to, I could. It would almost certainly be awkward, but she would listen and try to help, because ultimately she cares about my happiness and my well-being.
And while this may seem obvious, I think that teen dramas put some effort into maintaining these subtle reminders – patterns of behaviour that remind viewers that communication is good and necessary. I like to say I learned everything I thought I knew about sex (and parents, for that matter) from TV, and in some ways that’s true. It strikes me as a good thing that this might be one of the things that teen TV is teaching: talking about sex, being ready, comfortable, and safe, are important.
